Discordian Declaration of NOTHING

By Binkaped the Balding

Binkaped the Balding was looking up a
Mason’s Robe one day when a Golden
Apple fell on his head. Shortly thereafter he
was initiated as Legionnaire Disciple
in the POEE, and soon began looking up
different robes altogether.

0If NOTHING is SOMETHING, and EVERYTHING is SOMETHING, then Simple Math tells us that

1EVERYTHING IS NOTHING.

2It’s True! Watch:

If:

N = NOTHING
S = SOMETHING
E = EVERYTHING

And:
N = S
E = S

Then:
E = N

EVERYTHING IS NOTHING.

3You are NOTHING. People trying to be SOMETHING just look stupid.

4NOTHING can change That. Things are what they are: NOTHING. Want proof? Compare the history of the United States to the history of the Fall of Rome. NOTHING is the only thing that really changes!

5NOTHING makes Sense. Try asking “why?” into oblivion on any subject. Reason either falls apart back into NOTHINGNESS, or you become one of those annoying self-actualized snobs.

6Have Faith in NOTHING. Say all your prayers to NOTHING, it works to achieve EVERYTHING. Just remember to expect NOTHING to happen and you will be rewarded with EVERYTHING. NOTHING died for your sins. NOTHING is omniscient, omnipotent, and benevolent without there ever having to arise any “problem of evil”. NOTHING feels better than a nice tall glass of wine and a shower at the end of the day.

7NOTHING is Beautiful. The serene perfection of NOTHING is rivaled by NONE, but NOTHING doesn’t take it personally. It is said by the vulgar that NOTHING is the same as the Buddhist “Nirvana”, although the POEE has determined that “Nirvana” is definitely SOMETHING and therefore can be no more than a passing fetter before reaching NOTHINGNESS at best.

8NOTHING is the Truth. Believe in NOTHING, and EVERYTHING will be okay. It’s when one begins to believe in SOMETHING that all hell breaks loose. If one believes in SOMETHING for too long, they instantly reincarnate as a Bush-Cheney 2004 Campaign Button. Believing in NOTHING is the equivalent of believing in all possible SOMETHINGS – NOTHING is true, ALL is permissible, ALL HAIL ERIS!

9NOTHING will set you Free. NOTHING is your Golden Ticket. NOTHING will just give the whole world to you for free. NOTHING is as omnipotent as ‘Persistence and Determination’ (Calvin Coolidge).

10NOTHING can kick God’s ass. No matter what the religion or how many Gods there may be in question, NOTHING beats them all. NOTHING can make stuffy theologians agree with each other on any given point. All Gods came from NOTHING to begin, so what did you expect?